Working Through the Damage of a Toxic Work Environment
I’m still feeling the leftover mess inside of me. I’m on-guard, not knowing who I can trust, watching my every word and movement. I feel out of place at my new agency because everyone around me is happy and I’m not used to it anymore. It’s like I’m waiting for something to boil over, for someone to express dissatisfaction, for shit to hit the fan. I can actually feel this negative energy in me that needs to be released, like I can scream into a pillow like an angry teenager, mad at the world.
It wasn’t always like this. I actually came from a very happy work environment in the beautiful city of San Luis Obispo, CA, once deemed “The Happiest City in America.” I mean how could you not be happy, everything is so fresh and green and beautiful. People are so authentic and friendly. I learned how to maintain professionalism, be on time, look for solutions, instead of focusing on the problem. People were helpful and collaborated to support you. I still remember feeling proud of my work and getting “shout-outs” at our weekly all-staff meetings and feeling deeply satisfied. This place made me feel like I was a skilled hard-working therapist, and everyone knew it. We all celebrated the amazing work we did to help others. After all, being a therapist is not easy work. We deal with people’s problems all day, the last thing we need is a toxic work environment.
After two years in SLO, I was offered a position in San Jose, CA, and I won’t mention the agency for privacy reasons. My goal was to gain experience in the school system, and they offered me the position after the initial interview, so I accepted. I was ready to experience the big city, and I was ready for a change. Perhaps I should have done more research on the agency, but how does one actually come to understand the nature and culture of an agency through research? Everything I had researched online demonstrated that this was an “okay” agency. Word of mouth would probably be the best way to really gain insight, but you can’t really do that when you’re not living in the area. So I accepted, I moved, I adjusted, and I settled in. It wasn’t in the best location, but I saw it as a good opportunity to gain experience in an area I was interested in. My first poor experience was these co-workers speaking poorly of the agency and repeatedly and sarcastically stating, “Welcome to this agency,” every time something did not go well. I was in such a healthy mental space and thinking positive at the time, that I just categorized them as being negative and tried to not let them affect me. Then this conversation carried over to our group supervision- a weekly meeting for therapists to consult about their cases. Initially, I refused to participate in this. Gradually over time I would hear more worker dissatisfaction with the agency.
[“The HR person never inputted my 403(b) documents,” “They elected a health coverage I did not want,” “I’m not being paid,” “They’re not being honest,” “I’m not feeling heard,” “They’re making me do things I’m not prepared for,” “They’re only doing internal interviews,” “My input isn’t valued,” “They shredded my documents,” “They don’t like me questioning things,” “We got into a screaming match,” “I shared things with you I shouldn’t have,” “I feel like I can’t trust anyone because information I shared got back to my supervisor.”]
All the dysfunction and toxicity put me in a daze, and made me realize that I had to focus solely on my clients and nothing else. I began questioning everything, referring to legal contracts, policies, procedures, and made copies of everything. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I was out, and felt like I could let my guard down a little.
Now I’ve started work at a new agency and it feels surreal. Having to be at my prior agency for 1.5 years has really taken its toll on me. I wasn’t allowed to be happy and now I am. I even find myself carrying some of that leftover negativity, and that’s not me. I’m having to remember what professionalism is all over again. Don’t be late, address issues directly with the person, be solution-focused, be personable, and understanding that not everyone is out to get you, some people actually want to lift you up. Statements I could have said at my last agency such as “I hate audits,” could be deemed as unprofessional now, and I’m all about it. I just had a meeting with my manager and he stated, “It may seem like people are putting on a front here, like there’s some big secret or hidden drama, but that’s not the case. People are genuinely happy and positive, and that’s what we want to uphold. We try to stop the negativity or check in with staff who seem to be struggling so it doesn’t permeate the culture,” and that is what I needed to hear. I told him that was the opposite case at my last agency, and he replied “I know.”
I believe there is a lesson to be learned in every challenge, and the lesson here is to take time to reflect, stick to your values, and protect your energy. This new agency saw something in me and saved me before it was too late and I became a negative, bitter, cynical, employee. I now have permission to be my happy self again, as of now, I am free and learning to be happy in my work environment. My blindfold has been taken off, and now I have some healing to do. No matter your environment, always remember your values, the person you are striving to become, being the person you’d like to meet, and being your own savior. Don’t let a negative environment change who you truly are, because the last thing you want is it closing windows of opportunity for you. Be conscious of how your words impact others, because you will attract what corresponds to your inner state. For now I am going to read some of my mindful living books, listen to some podcasts, write, paint, and give myself permission to work through the numbness, and find my own voice again. This has taught me to not underestimate the direct effect of your environment on your mental health. If you have experienced a toxic environment of any sort, just remember to give yourself time. All wounds heal with time, but first you have to clean them so that they heal properly.
